into the Light

Nine months since I have written. It makes me sad because this is how I document our family's growth through pictures. Last year (2013) was a by far one of the hardest years we have experienced as a family.

My brother's wedding in September

Another move, financial strain because of lack of support, and a tough situation with my parents were some of the things that I was going toe to toe with the Lord.

Catherine FINALLY walking at 16 months 

I noticed that I was crashing a lot more often in the fall. Continual crying, unhappiness, exhaustion, and feeling like I couldn't get it "together", were the things that finally got me to go to a counselor. One day I woke up and didn't want to feed the kids one.more.time. and I knew I needed help. 

Halloween! We went to five houses and the kids were thrilled:)

In reality, these were things I had been feeling for a while, but life circumstances made it more intense. I over christianized my feelings .... "unhappy isn't even a Christian word", "I need to be joyful in everything," "I just need to read my Bible more." All of these things are not wrong to think or do, in fact we are called to be joyful and so much peace can come from reading the Word. But, I had all these tools (and was using them) and was still not doing well which brought about a lot of guilt too.

Gigi and Grandaddy came after Thanksgiving. Gigi helped Henry with his first gingerbread house while the rest of us watched the Auburn/Alabama game! 

I'm so thankful that the Lord provided a wonderful Christian counselor. We only talked for 15 minutes or so when she told me that she thought something was chemically off. She said that birthing babies and having stressful situations like moving and financial strain can really affect our brains' seratonin levels.

Christmas! 

 She helped me to normalize how I was feeling and talk through ways to get better. There are so many methods to heal depression, but after a lot of thought and prayer, I decided to go on a low dose of Celexa. It would have been great to get more rest, exercise, and get sun to heal, but that just wasn't possible with my season of life. 

Henry destroying the gingerbread house after Christmas!

As my OB said, the pills are not magic! They just help you start functioning at 0 instead of in the negative.

snow in Febuary! 

Game changer. I can think clearly. I am hopeful and so so thankful for these meds. I'm enjoying my children more and can work through my emotions logically.

March flowers! 

I desired to be open about my journey because so many people aren't. If women had shared with me about their steps towards healing, then I might not have felt so much guilt and condemnation.

Easter in April! 

"I have told you these things so that you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."   John 16:33

The last part of the summer (before school started)

There's been a lot going on since we left summer project! I've been putting off blogging because it is a little overwhelming to remember and hash through the last two months. There have been some really encouraging things (like our Cru conference in Colorado).

My sweet friend, Elizabeth! So thankful for her and our great time at the conference! 

At the last minute, my parents said they could keep the kids! A whole week kid free:) 

But there have also been reminders of our need for Christ and a call for trusting Him even when sometimes it feels like we're walking through darkness. Isn't it true that most of the time you don't see what God is doing in the midst of pain?

Henry hoarding 

And yet in the midst of it, there are so many blessings and reminders of how He loves us!

Henry got to ride on his first four wheeler 

Got to love a little girl in pig tails:) 

I so desire for my faith to increase as my need to control (prayerfully) decreases.

At the lake with our close friends, the Mutters 

"Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." Isaiah 50:10

Henry's third year

He was the one who made me a mother.

Most two month olds weigh what he did when he was born,

10 pounds 10 ounces

and he has continued to be on the "extreme" side ever since. When things are good, they are really good.

4 months old

But when things are bad.... 

Easter at 10 months

they are really bad. And that just about describes what this past year has been about.

one year old birthday party with a black eye

When he was one, I remember thinking that he could never be one of those kids that had huge tantrums. He was so sweet after all. 

19 months

And then two rolled around.

Soon after that birthday, I wrote this post. He was trying to figure out the world around him and where his boundaries lay.

I was trying to figure out life with two and what boundaries there SHOULD be.

There were many moments that were not pretty. Many moments were we both cried (actually probably all three of us.)

But, there were also moments where we laughed

Henry with cousin Griffin

played, 

and got glimpses of how God has created Henry

in

His 

image. 

My prayer for this third year, is that we would continue to foster,

develop,

and

encourage Henry in growing up in this world

that is not his home....

Her first year

How is it that the days can be so long and yet the years go by so fast?

the morning I went to be induced 

So much as happened since Catherine was born one year ago.

gotta love being induced, having an epidural,  and touching up your makeup  before you push:) 

I don't think that I remember the first four months.... really I don't.

Was it the lack of sleep?

The day we got home with Catherine

Or maybe it was wrangling this newly two little boy?

Catherine was born in Virginia, we now live in South Carolina.

Catherine's baptism 

Two sets of our parents have moved, and both of my brothers will too.

Our Christmas card from this year

But do you know what I am thankful for?

packing boxes to move to Clemson

That the years will pass,

First boat ride at 9 months

our families will change,

Catherine's first Easter 

our locations may be different,

but God will remain the same.

James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above,

coming down from the Father of heavenly lights,

who does not change like shifting shadows."

I so desperately want my kids to know this never changing, 

                                always loving,

                                      faithful God 

      who will be with them all the days of their life.