Thursday, May 15, 2014

into the Light

Nine months since I have written. It makes me sad because this is how I document our family's growth through pictures. Last year (2013) was a by far one of the hardest years we have experienced as a family.
My brother's wedding in September

Another move, financial strain because of lack of support, and a tough situation with my parents were some of the things that I was going toe to toe with the Lord.

Catherine FINALLY walking at 16 months 
I noticed that I was crashing a lot more often in the fall. Continual crying, unhappiness, exhaustion, and feeling like I couldn't get it "together", were the things that finally got me to go to a counselor. One day I woke up and didn't want to feed the kids one.more.time. and I knew I needed help. 

Halloween! We went to five houses and the kids were thrilled:)
In reality, these were things I had been feeling for a while, but life circumstances made it more intense. I over christianized my feelings .... "unhappy isn't even a Christian word", "I need to be joyful in everything," "I just need to read my Bible more." All of these things are not wrong to think or do, in fact we are called to be joyful and so much peace can come from reading the Word. But, I had all these tools (and was using them) and was still not doing well which brought about a lot of guilt too.

Gigi and Grandaddy came after Thanksgiving. Gigi helped Henry with his first gingerbread house while the rest of us watched the Auburn/Alabama game! 
I'm so thankful that the Lord provided a wonderful Christian counselor. We only talked for 15 minutes or so when she told me that she thought something was chemically off. She said that birthing babies and having stressful situations like moving and financial strain can really affect our brains' seratonin levels.


 She helped me to normalize how I was feeling and talk through ways to get better. There are so many methods to heal depression, but after a lot of thought and prayer, I decided to go on a low dose of Celexa. It would have been great to get more rest, exercise, and get sun to heal, but that just wasn't possible with my season of life. 
Henry destroying the gingerbread house after Christmas!

As my OB said, the pills are not magic! They just help you start functioning at 0 instead of in the negative.
snow in Febuary! 
Game changer. I can think clearly. I am hopeful and so so thankful for these meds. I'm enjoying my children more and can work through my emotions logically.

March flowers! 
I desired to be open about my journey because so many people aren't. If women had shared with me about their steps towards healing, then I might not have felt so much guilt and condemnation.

Easter in April! 

"I have told you these things so that you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."   John 16:33